What is pleasure?

As we have already mentioned, sexuality has historically been considered a taboo and also linked to moral and religious ideas which have reduced its objectives just to reproduction. However, sexuality encompasses many areas and dimensions and, apart from reproduction, it is also a tool that we can use to identify and express ourselves, to communicate, to establish relationships and, of course, to receive and give pleasure.  

Pleasure is a subjective experience. The Global Advisory Board (GAB) for Sexual Health and Wellbeing has provided the following definition of sexual pleasure:

The physiology of pleasure

What makes you feel pleasure? Maybe eating some yummy food, maybe having a relaxing bath, maybe dancing, maybe reading a book, maybe having a nice chat with some friends, maybe walking barefoot on the grass… Although pleasure might be automatically associated to sex or sex related activities, the truth is that many of the activities that we carry out in our everyday lives can make us feel pleasure. After all, pleasure is a subjective experience and, as such, each person might find pleasurable a wide and diverse range of activities. 

If we put the focus on sexual pleasure, think about it:  what makes you feel sexual pleasure? Take into account that “sexual” doesn’t necessarily mean genital. Remember that our biggest sexual organ is our skin, which counts with thousands of nerve endings and receptors which receive tactile stimulus. Then, our most important sexual organ, our brain, analyses the information received by our skin and interprets it as pleasurable or non-pleasurable. Also, pleasure is conditioned by social norms. For this reason, it is common that when we think about pleasurable practices, some very specific and normative images will come to our minds. However, remember that pleasure does not depend on our gender identity or expression, our sexual orientation or the shape of our body. 

Actually, our body responds to sexual stimuli and to pleasure following what is called the “Sexual Response Cycle”.

There are several approaches but, to sum up, we will make the classical division in 5 phases:

Source: Semantic Scholar

It is important to mention that pleasure is (or should be!) intrinsic to all the phases of the Sexual Response Cycle, and not only to the orgasm. A sexual relation without orgasm can be as pleasurable as one with orgasm. Sometimes, too much focus is put on reaching the orgasm and it is forgotten to enjoy the rest of the experience. 

Finally, despite the fact that we can experience pleasure with a partner(s) when having shared sexual relations, everyone is responsible for their own pleasure, after all. This doesn’t mean that we cannot ask another person to give us pleasure, but that self-knowledge of what we like and what we don’t is essential for achieving pleasure. 

Masturbation, the act of deliberately touching our body, particularly our genitals (but not only!), in order to feel pleasure, is a very good way of getting to know our bodies and how pleasure works on us. This way, when we decide to have shared experiences with other people, we will be able to communicate what we like and how we like it. 

Pleasure as a taboo (and how to overcome it)

Since sexual and erotic pleasure moves away from the sole purpose of sexual reproduction it happened that, both as a practice and discourse, it got hidden a lot: not to be experienced, not to be talked about, not even to be thought about, to the point that it’s easier to find demonising myths than actual facts. Especially when it comes to masturbation, which is the act of giving self-pleasure by the stimulation of the erogenous zones (not only genital zones), there are plenty of myths created in order to make this common and spontaneous practice frightening. Let’s debunk some of the classics together:

And there’s so many more. Masturbation is not the only relevant topic when we talk about pleasure but it’s one of the most significant in talking about pleasure. Masturbation is an act oriented to a lot of benefits: doing it increases your wellness, it helps understand your body and what you like. But its taboos and myths we just saw are deeply linked in gender stereotypes (see module 2).

Female vs. Male pleasure

For instance: there’s a huge misconception about male pleasure and female pleasure. We grew up with some acknowledgement about people with penis and male sexual stimulation as an inevitable part of the growth of the boy and that’s true; the question is: what about people with vulva and girls?  The patriarchal system of beliefs implies that men should be lustful, aggressively passionate and with a sexual drive “over the norm”; women should be passive, flimsy, with a low libido. That’s just stereotypes dictated according to the society we’re living in, of course it’s about the culture rather than scientific facts (see module 5). Still, these beliefs influence the way we perceive how to live and talk about pleasure and also the conduct, during the years, of research about it.

A huge testimony of this cultural bias is an organ meant just for pleasure: the clitoris (see module 4). The clitoris sites in the anatomy of people with vulvas and it’s an organ that has no use for the reproduction; for that reason, even if historically the first discovery of the clitoris go back in the fourth century circa, it has been forgotten and reduce to darkness until 2005, when an urologist, Helen O’Connell, created the first digital reproduction of the structure of the clitoris. That’s one of the factors due to female pleasure that has been so silenced until these recent days.  

The truth is that there’s no actual differentiation about libido, sex drive and sexual desire based on gender identity, in the same way in which there’s no moral difference between the sexual life of people socialized as men and women. During the growth of individuals everyone could find themselves touching and exploring their body, discovering masturbation and stimulation. Parallel to gender stereotypes that dictate double standards for how a man  and a woman could have sex (for example: “he’s got multiple sexual partners, he’s cool”; “she’s multiple partners, she’s a slut”), it’s just a gendered expectation to women to not have high libido and to men to have a higher one. 

Sex Toys

Sex toys are tools used for sexual entertainment, discovery and, of course, fun. The past years have seen an increase not only in the topic but in the industry itself. Of course, they’re not exempt from stigma and taboos, that’s why it is useful to talk about them and learn how powerful they could be.
There are different sex toys for different types of stimulation, here a short list of the main categories of genital sex toys: 

These are the main categories of sex toys that act on genital zones, but there’s more than just that. Indeed, under the term “sex toys” fall all the tools oriented to give pleasure: like handcuffs and night masks for sensory plays; underwear, latex lingerie and costumes for erotic roleplays; impact toys (like ropes, paddles, flogger, whips, ecc…) for kinky practices; lubricants that are not only useful against dryness in the sensitive zones but can also facilitate sensory stimulations. 

When choosing your sex toy is important to keep a few things in mind:

• The material: there are industrial sex toys and handmade sex toys; both categories can be made of safe material, including:
• body safe silicone
• body safe, varnish finished wood
• hardened borosilicate glass 
• medical silicone 

You can find this information in the descriptions of your chosen toy. 

• Remember to clean them, not only from one sexual experience to another, but also from a stimulation to another. If you’re using it for vaginal penetration and then you want to use it for anal penetration, clean them safely with a toy cleaner. Cleaning methods are also usually suggested on the package of the toy or on the website. 
• Use external condoms (see module 4) if you’re using sex toys that are not yours and/or if you are sharing them with your partner(s) during sexual intercourse. 

Sex toys are not the only way to explore your own body. Often they are not accessible for economic reasons because they are not tailored to different disabilities and impairments (see Module 6) , but they can be useful or interesting to some people. As we manage a lot of things in our lives with the assistance of digital devices, why not also sexual exploration?
And as well as with other aspects of pleasure, unfortunately also sex toys come with gender stereotypes, double standards and stigma:

• Dildos are “fake penis” so if you’re using it, you’re just lacking of “real sex”:
  Phallocentrism is a way of focusing on the penis (“phallus” in latin) as the centre of sexual acts, so that only what involves a penis is considered real sex. Phallocentrism comes with heteronormativity, allo-normativity and patriarchal beliefs of dominance (see module 2 and 5). Seeing dildos as substitutes for real penises is a phallocentric point of view because it implies that all the sexual practices that don’t involve a penis are not real sex. Masturbation or sex between people with vulva is sex, and so is using sex toys 
• If men are using sex toys they’re not men enough because a man “shouldn’t need them”:
  Gendered expectations want men to be tough and skilled in sex practices (see module 2), but it doesn’t necessarily have to be like that. Using sex toys can enrich men’s sexual experiences (just as women’) and expand them beyond genital centrism (the belief that all the pleasure comes with the interactions with genital zones). There’s no failure in discovering your body beyond gender stereotypes. 
• If women are using sex toys, they’re lonely and need a partner:
  For the same gender stereotypes and double standards, women and people with vulva are often judged for being autonomous. This transfers as well in the sexual field, to the point that women that are self-determined in their bodies and conscious of their pleasure are seen as “lonely”. That’s not of course the truth.
• Trying anal toys makes you gay:
  There’s no correlation between any sexual practice and a sexual orientation: the fact that you may like anal toys or anal sex doesn’t say anything about your sexual orientation at all; having some sexual experiences and having a sexual orientation are two different things. Of course they can overlap: so that you prefer some practices because they match the way you experience sexual attraction towards someone, but still they are two different aspects of your sexual identity. This belief is rooted in the already mentioned gender stereotypes, homophobia and queerphobia (see module 2). 

And surely there’s much more as we deep dive into stigma and biases. Talking freely about pleasure helps us understand that everyone has the right to enjoy time alone or with partner(s) as much as they desire, no matter what gender identity you feel to belong to.

The Spectrum of Enjoyment: all the ways we can experience pleasure

Pleasure as a spectrum

Since we’re discovering how talking about pleasure is a matter beyond penetrative sex, heterosexual couple sex and genital interaction, we challenge to define sexual pleasure as a spectrum, in which different contexts could fall into.
Pleasure is an experience that everyone can feel, whatever their gender identity and sexual/romantic orientation are. 

The universe of Kinks

Originally, Kink was associated with “fetish” elements such as leather, latex, corsets, etc. however, Kink is much more than that. Kink is a complex movement and philosophy which questions the normativity of sexuality (see module 5) as well as its imposed boundaries and provides a safe space for individuals and the community to express their sexuality freely. As well as discovering your gender identity and/or your sexual and romantic orientation, during childhood and adolescence you might develop your own sexual preferences. 

There’s a strong connection between the LGBTQIA+ community and the kink community: both communities have a strong connection with sexual identities (see module 2); they both face stigmas and misconceptions, to the point of pathologization (see module 4) and finally because kinks become also part of an identity (you could say you’re “kinky”) and most of the kinky practices were found in the queer and LGBTQIA+ community. That’s not saying that you have to be part of one to claim the other, it’s just a long-term possible communion between the two.

On the other hand the term “fetish” refers to the practices that are not normative (see module 5). “Fetishism” by definition is “a form of sexual behaviour in which gratification is strongly linked to a particular object or activity or a part of the body other than the sexual organs”, by the Oxford dictionary. Is not a negative term per se, but it could bring some stigma.  For example, genitals and genital-related practices, such as penetration, masturbation or oral sex, are normative practices and as they are widely and socially recognized, they are not considered fetish. On the contrary, feet adoration (to mention something very known) which is a sexual practice too, is oftenly considered a “fetish.

Here are some examples of kinks: 

And so many more, the list could go forever. The truth is that as long as our shared sexual practices are sane, safe and consensual, it doesn’t matter what parts of our body, toys or other elements we involve. 

BDSM is the acronym for: Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism, Masochism. BDSM encompasses a series of non-normative sexual practices where there is a transfer of control. In the space of non-normative sexual practices control is not a negative concept: it is a matter of playful consent. Indeed, people who practise it are very conscious of the risks that such practices might encounter and therefore they pay a lot of attention to respect certain protocols in order to ensure safety and enjoyment of all the people involved. Always keep in mind: 

• Consent and consensus: All participants must give informed and enthusiastic consent before engaging in any BDSM activities. This includes discussing boundaries, limits, and using safe words to communicate during play; sometimes domination/submission contracts are made and the people involved are very proud of establishing such kind of relationships, where consent is the base and there is a huge confidence and respect;  there are several protocols, such as the SSC (Sane, Safe and Consensual), which safeguard the wellbeing of the people involve
• Communication: Discuss desires, limits, expectations, and any concerns before and after engaging in BDSM activities. Regularly check in with your partner(s) to ensure ongoing consent;
• Consent is Ongoing: Consent is not a one-time agreement. It’s an ongoing process, and participants can withdraw consent at any time. Be attuned to your partner’s non-verbal cues and check in regularly; 
• Safe words: Establish and agree upon a safe word or a set of safe words. This is a signal to immediately stop the activity if someone is uncomfortable or wants to pause;
• Know your limits: Understand and communicate your own limits and boundaries. Be aware of physical and emotional constraints, and respect those of your partner(s);
• Safety precautions: Prioritise physical and emotional safety. Be aware of potential risks and use safety equipment, such as safe knots for bondage or ensuring proper hygiene. 
• Privacy and Discretion: Respect the privacy of those involved. BDSM activities can be highly personal, and discretion is key to maintaining trust within the community;
• Risk awareness: Be aware of the physical and emotional risks associated with certain activities. Have a plan for dealing with unexpected situations and know how to seek medical help if needed;
• Legalities: Understand the legal implications of BDSM activities in your jurisdiction. Ensure all participants are of legal age and consensual;
• Checklists: Use BDSM checklists to identify interests, limits, and preferences; practices you have already done or never done.  This helps facilitate discussions about what each participant is comfortable with and what they want to explore;
• Aftercare: Aftercare is crucial for emotional well-being post-BDSM play. It involves providing comfort, reassurance, and physical care to help participants transition back to a normal emotional state; giving feedback. 
• Education: Continuously educate yourself about BDSM practices, safety protocols, and the proper use of equipment. Attend workshops, read reputable sources, and engage with the BDSM community to stay informed

It is essential to note that any non-consensual violence or abuse committed in the name of kink or BDSM, is not kink or BDSM, but sexual aggression (see module 3)

Erotic fantasies

An erotic fantasy is a mental or imaginative scenario that brings sexual arousal. It involves the creation of vivid and often elaborate mental images or narratives, allowing individuals to explore and experience sexual desires, scenarios, or activities in a virtual or fantasy realm. 

Having an erotic fantasy doesn’t necessarily mean that you want to carry it out in real life. Actually, what is good about fantasies is that they are unlimited, as our thoughts and imagination are. Of course there’s a distinction between fantasy and reality, where in the latter we must consider contexts, safety, consent and moral implications. Fantasies should be free of judgement and at the same time we are all accountable for our actions and need to know where and when it is possible to play a certain fantasy or not. 

Whenever an erotic fantasy disturbs us or people we care about we need to seek out for help because implications could lead to sexual, physical, verbal and psychological violence. If you find yourself enacting some of these fantasies with other people, always keep in mind the rules for BDSM practices already mentioned above, since the caring for personal limits, boundaries and consent are basically universal for every sexual and erotic act, normative or not. 

Beyond genitals: pleasure as a bodily discovery

All of the topics discussed until now are tools offered to you to challenge a conception of sexuality that puts penetration at the centre. 

We’re used to considering sex as penis-in-vagina penetration and that has brought very numerous gender stereotypes, gendered expectations and also massive queer experience exclusion in the sexual identity discourse. 

Genital centrism, as we mentioned before, is a perspective that places significant importance on genital activities, such as penetrative sex, to the detriment or neglect of other aspects of human sexuality, including emotional intimacy, communication, and various forms of non-genital sexual expression.

To experience and feel pleasure, think of exploring and involve the whole body. We already talked about the skin and looking at kinks and fantasies we understood that playing with ourselves beyond sexual organs could be a resourceful discovery. Sexual experiences have not to be a performance in which you have to demonstrate to deserve pleasure or to win some sort of competition. Moving beyond genital-centred sexual experiences, consider these tips: 

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