Cultural Normativity and intersectional discriminations

In our society there are certain elements that, in order to make interactions and relationships as simplistic as possible, are “taken for granted”; thus they come to be constituted as “norms,” basic assumptions on the basis of which the world is viewed. 

Normativity is therefore the phenomenon by which we construct some things, (actions, behaviors, ways of being) as normal and therefore good, desirable, regular, the starting point. By contrast other things (actions, behaviors, ways of being) become bad, atypical, irregular, undesirable and constructed as otherness. Although it could sound comforting to have norms and rules that regulate us in understanding what we should be and act, in our society this has always led to different layers and forms of oppressions for those who don’t recognize themselves into those normativities.

These are some of the most powerful and oppressive normativities, listed in alphabetical order: 

• Able normativity: the perspective of able people – the ones who don’t have disabilities – as the norm 
• Allo-normativity: the perspective of allosexual and alloromantic people – the ones who experienced sexual and/or romantic attraction – as the norm;
• Androcentrism: the perspective of men as the norm
• Cis-normatitvity: the perspective of cisgender people – the ones who recognize themselves in the gender assigned at birth – as the norm;
• Heteronormativity: the perspective of heterosexual people – the ones attracted by others of the “opposite” gender – as the norm; 
• Mono-normativity : the perspective of monogamous people – the ones that experience monogamy as relationship orientation – as the norm, 
• West Centrism: the perspective of western cultures as the norm. 
• White normativity: The societal norm that values and prioritizes white experiences and perspectives, contributing to systemic racism and the marginalization of people of color.

Again, the list could go on all of these “norms” in which we grow up as socially unspoken rules, marginalize and make invisible people who don’t conform to them.  

Normativities are a matter of power and who holds it in society. We mentioned patriarchy in Module 2 and now we have more terms to expand and comprehend the connections and concatenations: if the hegemony is held by men, we can understand better that we’re talking about allo-, cis-, hetero, mono- white, able men. Of course, that doesn’t mean that the people who fit hegemonic categories are evil: it’s just how the society is built up, advantaging some in the disadvantage of a multitude. This is called privilege. Everyone who doesn’t fit those boxes has less privilege than the ones who do: that means less visible, less heard, less considered and less safeguarded. An education that is normative in those ways entails that there’s no room for people and identities that don’t match the “norms”. That is prejudicial when you grow up and maybe feeling a little different, because there’s no talk about, nor references or representations. And when something is silenced, it could turn out to be dangerous.  

Normativities produce stereotypes, prejudices and discrimination:  

As we saw in Module 2, stereotypes are  generalized and oversimplified ideas of a certain category of people that are constructed by society. For example: women can’t drive; masculine girls are lesbians; bisexual people are confused; black men are good at basketball. 

Prejudices are distorted judgments, preconceived opinions against or in favor of something/someone that are not based on actual experiences. They are thought processes, based on stereotypes, that may impact behavior and therefore result in active discrimination. For example: 

• If you have a negative opinion of the work of your co-workers who identify as women, that’s a prejudice based on the stereotype that women are less smart than men.. And if you hire more men than women, although they have equivalent curriculum that becomes active discrimination.
• If you feel discomfort around trans* people without knowing them personally, that’s a prejudice based on the stereotype that trans* people are strange or confused. If you then legislate about their lives excluding them from sports, in access to healthcare, in the workplace and in schools, because of that belief, that becomes active discrimination
  And so on. 

In other words, prejudices are the unconscious (when they are implicit) or conscious (when they are explicit) thought processes that lie between a stereotype and active discrimination. We grow up within prejudices, they’re part of the narratives created by normativities. That’s why discrimination is not necessarily perpetrated intentionally: if you’re a person recognized in one or all normativities, you don’t have to hate another (who is outside one or all normativities) in order to discriminate against them. Prejudices can be implicit! The key to understanding how societal normativities could affect a person or a group of people is realizing that these are narratives we live surrounded by and, as simply as possible, as long as we don’t face and realize how they create hierarchy among human beings it’s easy to get used of and not recognize them. It’s the accountability of everybody to acknowledge and make a change, step by step.  

Some of the most common forms of discriminations, listed in alphabetical order: 

• Ableism: discrimination based on a persons’ mental or physical ability. It affects people with disabilities, whether physical, mental, or developmental. 
• Ageism:  discrimination based on a person’s age. It affects younger and older people.  
• Classism: discrimination based on a persons’ social or economic class. It affects people with more disadvantaged socio-economic backgrounds. 
• Fatphobia: discrimination based on a persons’ weight. It affects fat people.
• Homolesbobitransaphobia, also known as queerphobia: discrimination based on a persons’ sexual orientation or gender identity. It affects non-heterosexual people or people who identify as trans or non-binary (non-cisgender). 
• Racism: discrimination based on a person’s race or ethnicity*. It affects non-white people. 
• Religious discrimination: discrimination based on a persons’ religious belief. The most common forms of religious discrimination are antisemitism which affects Jewish people, and islamophobia, which affects muslim people. 
• Sexism – discrimination based on a person’s gender. It affects people socialized as women and other gender non-conforming people. 
• Xenophobia: dislike of or prejudice against people from other countries. 

People who belong to more than one of these categories often face multiple levels of discrimination at once. An intersectional approach, in sociology, means considering the plurality of oppressions and discriminations as interlocking, articulated and not cumulative or additive. In 1979, the Combahee River Collective, a group of black American women, coined the term “interlocking system of oppression” to describe the various oppressions to which they were subjected: racist, classist, sexist and homophobic. In 1989, Kimberley Crenshaw, a black lawyer, theorized the notion to define the situation of certain black women trade unionists: the union considered black men were best placed to represent black people, and white women were best placed to represent women. As a result, black women fell into an uncharted, gray zone.  

Systemic discrimination is discrimination that is cumulative, recurrent and historically constructed. It can be perpetuated at several levels: individuals (micro), groups (mezzo) and/or institutional (macro/structural). It is based on social relations (sex, gender, race, etc.). It involves the procedures, routines and organizational culture of any organization that, often without intent, contribute to less favorable outcomes for minority groups than for the majority of the population, from the organization’s policies, programmes, employment, and services.

Body image: representation and challenging norms 

While the notion ‘All bodies are beautiful!’ is empowering, the reality of how we perceive our body image is complex and often challenging. This is because the normativities and the discriminations we talked about earlier are experienced and enacted by people mostly through their bodies.

Our body image is what we see when we look in the mirror, what we think and feel about our bodies, how other people see us and how society tells us we should appear. We all face concerns and pressures about our body appearance, either to feel more desirable, accepted or safer. Some of us more than others depending on how much our bodies conform to what is culturally considered beautiful, desirable and accepted. 

The media representation of bodies and the body images that we see have a great influence on our body ideals. Bodies in the mainstream media are often: white, tall, thin, able, with a clear skin. They are rooted in normativity and discrimination including fatphobia, ableism, anti-blackness and patriarchal structures. As a consequence, people are not only marginalized but also threatened and killed for the way they look, and this is also because fat people, disabled people, black people, gender non-conforming people, and many more rarely find a space of representation that goes beyond a stereotypical depiction: e.g. fat people as lazy; black people as criminals; disabled people as non-sexual beings, trans people as prostitutes etc. Strict body images impact deeply on people’s mental health and often cause eating disorders like bulimia or anorexia, depression and low self-esteem.

It also happens in the music industry, where lyrics are often full with discriminating languages of the discrimination and prejudices mentioned above. For example, it is very common to find forms of slut-shaming within the lyrics: Slut-shaming refers to instances where artists or lyrics perpetuate judgmental and derogatory attitudes toward women/people with HIV/trans people based on their perceived sexuality or choices. One example of slut-shaming in music can be found in the lyrics of certain songs that criticize or demean women for their sexual behavior or expressions.  

So how to challenge this? 

A concept that we hear a lot when discussing bodies is that of Body Positivity. Body positivity can be defined as the attitude to embrace, accept and appreciate one’s body as it is. In other words believing that “all bodies are beautiful”. As a concept it was born within the Fat Rights Movement which started in the US in the 60s for the acceptance of fat bodies. Then it grew to embrace a wider idea of non conforming bodies. Today the body positive movement has become very mainstream and communicates a lot through social media, motivating people to feel good about themselves and their appearance.  

While it’s important for each of us to work on how we feel about our own bodies, it’s also important to remember that we cannot feel body positive all the time. This is because, as we have seen before, the forces that shape our image of ourselves go also beyond our own will. The downside of the body positive discourse is that it’s too deeply focused on individual change and self-love and not enough on the systemic oppression. This way body positivity can become another burden on people. It’s as if society said: “your body is not valued as good enough but you should also love yourself, and if you don’t then you are not trying hard enough”. In these cases remember that sometimes you will like your body and other times you won’t. So try to be kind with yourself and remember that there are also systemic structures of oppression at play. Does this mean that you can’t do anything about it? No! 

We often express judgment on other people’s bodies as well as our own: we comment on them and define whether they are valid or not based on stereotypes. This applies also to good judgment and compliments, because they also have another side of the coin. For example, if we tell someone “Have you lost weight? You look good” we are implying “I value you more now that you are thinner. I didn’t find you that desirable or beautiful when you were fatter”. Recognizing what informs our ideals about beauty is the first step to challenge them. 

Let’s now look at some specific cases. 

Taboos around bodies and sexuality

Our body image has a deep influence on our sexuality and there are some parts of our bodies that we tend not to talk about or even explore ourselves. This is also due to many taboos around bodies and sexuality.

For example:

• Genitals: There are a lot of stereotypes about genitalia: beauty standards, hygiene and scents; or about measurers etc which group in both people with vulvas and people with penises. Here’s some:
  • About people with vulva: in pornography we tend to see very homogenized images of vulvas and penises, but that’s not the whole of reality! For many people, negative feelings around their genitals have prevented them from living their sexuality freely and positively.  Many people with vulva resort to aesthetic surgery to reduce the dimension of their inner labia. Vulvas especially can take many different forms, but these are rarely represented. One project that aims at showing the variety of vulvas is The Vulva Gallery, which shares drawings and stories of the great variety of vulvas that there are in the world!
  • About people with penises: there is a belief that only consider large penises as valid, “manly” ones. The truth is that size varies among individuals, and it doesn’t determine one’s worth or sexual ability.

Each vulva is unique! Watch out this video from Planned Parenthood

• Body hair: Body hair, especially on some parts of women’s bodies is considered taboo in many social environments. It’s considered dirty and unattractive. This taboo dates back to the Ancient Romans and Egyptians who considered hair free bodies either as symbols of status or beauty. Yet body hair is there for a reason: it protects you from dirt and regulates your body temperature. Lately, more and more people have started keeping and showing their body hair, and hopefully this will increasingly help reduce the taboo and the backlash around it, so that people can freely choose whether to remove their hair or not. 
• Menstruation: Also the taboo around menstruation dates back to Ancient Rome. Since then menstruation is perceived as unclean or embarrassing, something that should be kept hidden. Still today in many parts of the world, and in many cultures, women are exiled or isolated because they’re considered unclean when they are menstruating. And in general a large part of people with vulva feel ashamed during their period. Here as well many feminist social movements (see module 3) have been fighting to overcome this taboo and normalize menstruation.

Here some myths about menstruation:

There are many more that vary from one country to another. You could probably be familiar with the superstition about periods that forbid touching plants while having your periods, or to not bake bread as it won’t rise; to not take bath and so on. Although there are not just bad myths (a lot of them are linked to symbols to fertility which is something widely celebrated joyfully in many countries), there is no evidence for any of those things and it’s important to deconstruct them in order to normalize such a common thing as periods are.

Watch out this video on menstruation!

Birth Control: as you’ve seen in module 4 there are two different methods to be prescribed the dosage of birth control for people with vulva: there’s the most commonly known posology with the 7 days-pause (so called “withdrawal bleeding pause”) and the most recent and scientifically accurate one, without the pause. What’s interesting to know is that the first method is rooted in more cultural beliefs and tradition than the other one and that’s why it is the most adopted and used. Here’s some reason why: 

• Mimicking natural menstrual cycles:
  The traditional pause aligns with the historical belief that mimicking a monthly menstrual cycle is a more “natural” or familiar approach.
• Regular periods as culturally significant:
  Some cultures place importance on regular menstruation as a marker of health and fertility.
• Tradition and Familiarity:
  Historical practices and traditional cultural beliefs have influenced the acceptance and preference for the pause week.
• Cyclical Rhythms:
  Aligns with cultural perceptions of cyclical rhythms, symbolizing regularity and order.
• Fertility Symbolism:
  Regular menstruation has been historically linked to fertility, and the withdrawal bleed may symbolize a woman’s reproductive capacity.

Although there could be discrepancies between a traditional approach and a scientific one, it is important to keep in mind that, since every cultural context is relevant and must be considered while choosing a method or another.

Fat and non-conforming bodies 

Fatphobia is the discrimination, dislike and stigmatization of fat bodies due to their looks, not representing what is commonly considered as the ideal body form in the current societies. As many other forms of discrimination, it’s rooted in stereotypes and prejudices that evolve over time. These are some ways in which fat phobia manifests:

• Judging people’s bodies
• Avoiding using the word “fat” considering it an insult
• Complimenting for weight loss
• Explaining the benefits of losing weight in a generalized and patronizing way
• Giving advice on losing weight
• Food surveillance
• Representations of fat bodies as undesirable or sick
• Seeing fat people as unattractive
• Work discrimination based on the prejudice that fat people are lazy
• Bullying and overt fat-shaming
• Failure of the fashion industry to accommodate all body sizes
• Misdiagnosis and mistreatment in the health care system due to the stigma that fat people lack discipline. 

What this list tells us is that fatphobia affects people’s personal life, work life, education, social wellbeing, mental health, physical health, and it also affects their sexual and romantic relationships. In order to challenge fatphobia, you can start reflecting on the behaviors you enact by looking at the list above!

Racialized bodies

As we said, race doesn’t exist in the biological, natural sense. However, it does exist socially as a regime of power. To speak of race is to qualify the way in which hierarchies continue to be produced, and to specify that they are produced on the basis of an individual’s real or supposed origin: we thus speak of racial categories (people perceived as black, Arab, Asian, etc.). Recourse to this notion is all the more necessary in the current Europe who denies the existence of racism “being blind to color”.

Racialized people are those affected by the stigmatization and exclusion processes of racism. This process is the racialization process, and aims at hierarchizing individuals on the bases of their supposed race, categorizing as white and non-white, dominant and minority groups.  

Racialized people and racialized corps are subject to many discriminations that are connected to sexuality. 

These stereotypes and discriminations are also rooted in the legacy of colonization, which fostered a euro- and western-centric view of the world that still impacts today in the representation of racialized bodies. Colonization contributed to constructing an image of the Other (the colonized peoples) as savage, vulgar and closer to nature, needed to justify the exploitation of land, labor and bodies by the rational and “civilized” european colonizer. 

It’s important here as well to recognize the root causes of stereotypes in order to continue decolonizing our beliefs and worldviews, which are still impacted by colonial world views. Let’s see some examples that are related to sexuality:

Many racialized women are subject to racial fetishism: 

One of the discriminations that racialized women suffer in the intersection of racism and sexism is racial fetishism. It refers to the sexualization or objectification of individuals based on their race or ethnicity. In the context of racialized women, this can manifest in various ways, often rooted in stereotypical perceptions or exoticization. It is a form of racist expression aimed at taking an affectionate, intimate and/or sexual interest in non-white people. In particular, through the plurality of gender and race stereotypes conveyed since colonial times. For example, the animal imaginary is associated with certain black women as “tigresses” or “lionesses”, or asian women being very obedient and pleasant to men. Racial fetishism is very often a process internalized by certain individuals in majority groups – but not only – and represents a real danger for those who are subjected to it.

Fethishization of racialized women

Racialized men often are associated with stereotypical ideas of masculinity

We have talked about masculinity in Module 2, highlighting how it is a social construct and therefore can vary based on the social context. In South Korea, for example, it’s not surprising that a cisgender heterosexual man wears make-up and removes his body hair, which in Europe is something that is associated with femininity.   

Colonial ideology has conveyed two types of portrait of racialized men: either hypersexualized or effeminate. Here are some common stereotypes: 

• Black men are often stereotyped as having overdeveloped sexual attributes and as being sexually performative. 
• Men perceived as Arab are so stigmatized that their masculine image represents a danger, a macho violence. Raewyn Connell calls this masculinity “marginalized”: it has all the attributes of hegemonic masculinity, but is rendered dangerous by an element external to gender: race and/or class.
• Asian men are often stereotyped as feminine and therefore desexualized.  

The role of controller of sexuality that white colonizers granted themselves hasn’t changed much in the meantime. Even today, some men are seen as too virile, others not virile enough… but in relation to whom? We need to ask ourselves what criteria these judgments are based on, and who is at the center of them. 

As mentioned earlier this is also a matter of representation. Today, we’re seeing more and more actors from diverse backgrounds, but until the 20th century this wasn’t the case. For example, Asian actors who were very well known in their home countries and who mainly played the role of the hero or the great romantic had to turn into hostile villains when they arrived in Hollywood. The films they starred in always ended with the white hero defeating the racialized villain, saving and conquering the (often white) belle. Racialized actors were almost systematically cast as villains, perpetrators of sexual assault or weirdos (their character building stopped at these characteristics; their families, hobbies and personalities were not developed). It’s important to be vigilant so that this myth doesn’t drift into a biased image of racialized boys and/or with a migration background, feeding racism or Islamophobia. 

Pornography

The Internet offers extensive information and images pertaining to sexual activity, serving as the initial exposure to sexuality or sex education for young people. Internet and social media possess significant potential to enhance access to constructive, accurate, and non-judgmental information about sexuality and relationships. Nevertheless, these technologies also have the capacity to expose you to inaccurate and inappropriate information, potentially reinforcing harmful gender norms by facilitating access to frequently violent pornography.

What is the role of pornography in the perpetration of body images, taboos and gender stereotypes?

Pornography is often the main source of information on sexuality for young people, but it’s important to be aware of what you are seeing in order to avoid getting the wrong idea about sex. 

What happens in porn is not what happens in real life. Why?

• The people in it are actors and are performing just like in a movie
• Porn scenes rarely show communication and explicit consent between the people involved. 
• The actors rarely use protection or contraceptive measures. 
• The bodies shown in porn are often very conforming and stereotyped (ex. thin, with no body hair on genitals). As in other kinds of media, also porn lacks representation of the variety of bodies that are there in the real world.  

In this sense pornography can be one of the most inaccurate sources to get information from, especially when no sex-ed is provided. So remember that pornography is entertainment, not a source of information or education!

Finally, as explored in Module 3, dating apps and social networks can also be connected to pornography. For example the sale or dissemination of intimate information non-consensually to pornographic sites, installing live streaming feed unbeknownst to a person being targeted and selling / renting the stream on a pornographic site, and selling deep fakes; this in known as “Sexploitation”, the commercial exploitation of sexual material or sex via digital media.

Watch out this Video on Porn Literacy

Religion and sexuality

Religion deeply influences the realm of sexuality, with moral norms that define what is appropriate and what is not for the adherents of that particular religion. These can vary a lot from religion to religion. Some see sexual activity as aimed only at reproduction, others celebrate it as an expression of the divine.

Let’s see some of the topics that religions are involved in with regards to sexual behavior (the selection was made based on the quotes collected from young people and adults we met):

The concept of marriage and interreligious marriage

Marriage is the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship (oxford languages). It is something that is deeply rooted in many cultures although it’s a choice that not everyone wants or needs to make. 

The reasons why people marry are numerous, including companionship, long-term commitment, legal reasons (e.g. taking care of sick partners), financial reasons(e.g. Taxes are more advantageous). These reasons also include social and religious norms. For centuries, religion has been the main reason people got married, different religions and cultures have different ceremonies and connotations of what it means.

Many people now decide for a civil marriage instead of a religious one. But what are the differences? 

A religious marriage means a marriage solemnized in any church, chapel or any other authorized building in accordance with the rites and ceremonies of any religious denomination. For each religious denomination there are differences in the rite, as well as in the meaning. While, a civil marriage is a marriage solemnized as a civil contract with no religious affiliation. Depending on the law of the country where someone gets married, there would be a civil ceremony, a religious one, or both (for people choosing a religious marriage).

When two people professing different religions get married that’s called an interfaith marriage. If the spouses want to be married in a religious ceremony, depending on their religion it might be possible to do it without renouncing their culture and beliefs. This usually depends on the religion or the specific stream. For example, Christianity normally allows it but with special permissions and the condition of raising children in the Christian faith; in Islam there are different interpretations but it may depend also on the religion of the other person; in Judaism it depends on the specific stream.   

While marriage was for a long time allowed only to heterosexual couples, lately more and more countries have legalized marriage between people of the same sex. There are currently 35 countries where same-sex marriage is legal: Andorra, Argentina, Australia, Austria, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, Chile, Colombia, Costa Rica, Cuba, Denmark, Ecuador, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany, Iceland, Ireland, Luxembourg, Malta, Mexico, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Portugal, Slovenia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, the United Kingdom, the United States of America and Uruguay.

Watch out this Video from the “Cuties” Netflix series!

The concept of virginity

Virginity refers to a social and cultural concept related to a person’s sexual experience. Virginity typically is associated with the state of never having engaged in penetrative sex (sexual intercourse or penis-in-vagina sex) . However, it’s important to note that the concept of virginity is subjective and can vary across different cultures and belief systems. It is often associated with societal expectations and norms surrounding sexual behavior. The different interpretations that have been made around this concept are really interesting to understand. Interpretations depend on cultures, religions, individual beliefs, but also on the times. Many people believe that having penetrative sex for the first time is how you lose your virginity. But how many people and practices are left aside from this discourse? First times can involve oral sex or anal sex for instance, or many experiences that do not involve penetration. 

Religion is historically one of the most important factors in the social construction of the concept of virginity as it is understood today. Indeed, whether in Christianity, Islam, Judaism, or even Hinduism, believers are expected to have penetrative sex after marriage and not before. Although religion may be practiced differently from one individual to another, this “rule” of chastity before marriage encourages people to see virginity as a symbol of purity and morality, especially when it comes to women. A classic example is the Virgin Mary in the Christian religion: she is admired by believers because she had a child without ever resorting to sexual acts.

A virginity test is the practice of testing if someone is a virgin or not, and it’s usually performed through the measurement of the hymen or vaginal laxity. In reality, virginity is a social construct, so there is no real possible “virginity test”. Yet, these practices date back a long time and are still a reality in many parts of the world. In the 1800s in France female virginity was celebrated through cultural events such as the election of “rosières”: young village women chosen for their “virtue”. These young women had to present a certificate of virginity. A doctor would perform a physical examination, for example by inserting two fingers in the vagina, to measure the hymen or vaginal laxity. All over the world, women whose virginity was not recognized before marriage have experienced rejection by their families and communities, have been raped and, in some cases, even killed. These situations still exist today, even though the World Health Organization (WHO) and the United Nations (UN) condemn the practice of virginity tests. 

These are two important facts around virginity tests that are important to consider: 

1. To think that we can test the virginity of people with vulvas is affirming that sexual relations are only penetration. This is based on a heterocentric, penetro-centric vision of sexuality that we should leave behind to consider all kinds of sexual intercourse and experiences as equally valid. 
2. There are many preconceived ideas around how the female genital tract works and what happens to it during intercourse that need to be deconstructed. Specifically: 

• The hymen cannot be measured: some people with vulva are initially born without a hymen, or it may disappear completely when they reach sexual maturity, or its stretch may vary with time and with the practice of activities other than vaginal penetration. If present, it doesn’t necessarily tear, it may just stretch or even remain intact. Not all people with vulva bleed during the first penetration, and bleeding during intercourse can also result from a lack of lubrication, or from rubbing the vaginal wall too roughly.

1. Vaginal laxity is a reduction in the firmness of the muscles around the vagina. It is generally caused by genetics, age, hormonal variation, childbirth and other health factors. Not everyone experiences vaginal laxity after sexual intercourse. Usually after penetration (both with penis, with fingers, with hands) or use of some sextoys, the vagina goes back to its natural tightness.

Historically there has been a double cultural standard between people socialized as men and women when it comes to sexuality, and the discourse on virginity is a clear example of social norms that are generally much laxer for men than for women. Young men are often encouraged to have sex, almost as a rite of passage to manhood. Women’s virginity instead is connected to oppressive patriarchal mechanisms, such as ensuring that children “belong” biologically to their father’s. 

Being or not being a virgin is not an indicator of either promiscuity or sexual maturity. Choosing to have sex “for the first time”, whatever it may mean, is a personal decision: it may be linked to religious and spiritual beliefs, to family and personal values, to desire or the absence of it, to your personal path of discovering your sexual identity. Try to always ask yourself: am I happy with the sexual experiences I’ve had or decided not to have?