What is a relationship? Exploring Friendship, Family ties and Romance

A relationship is a dynamic and multifaceted connection that exists between two or more individuals. Relationships could be between friends, colleagues, parents or caregivers, intimate partners, or others. They can range from casual acquaintanceships to deep emotional bonds, and they significantly impact our thoughts, feelings, actions, attitudes and behaviours, as well as other relationships. We all establish relationships in different and unique ways. From the bond we have with our closest friends and the dependable connections we share with our family members, to even wholeheartedly loving our non-human pets, fostering strong and diverse connections is one of the most important aspects of a person’s life.

Some of the most important relationships we create are: 

Peer and friendship relationships are relationships of mutual affection and trust between people. Some friendships can be rather short, while others can last a very long time. It’s very hard to define friendship as there are many differences between them, and as we change as people, our friendships can develop too. For some it can mean moving on from having one very close best friend to a more loosely-knit group of acquaintances, and many more configurations. But in general, having solid friendships can have a great impact on our well-being. 

Family relationships are relationships established between family members. Families consist of a domestic -or a number of domestic- groups of people, typically affiliated by birth or marriage but not limited to those. There are many different family forms in modern life beyond the traditional nuclear or extended family forms.

Romantic and sexual relationships are relationships between two or more people who are physically and/or romantically attracted to each other. It often includes initial feelings of nervousness and excitement, and might develop into a long-term commitment. Romantic relationships may exist alongside sexual relationships, and may involve a level of intimacy that is not present in other types of relationships. In some cases though romantic relationships do not involve sexual intimacy, for example in the case of asexual partners (see Module 2 – Gender). 

Although our society tends to normalise and validate romantic and sexual relationships as relationships between two people, these can actually take many different forms and involve more than two people. Relationships that diverge from the traditional concept of “only two people” are called consensual non monogamies. Let’s see some kinds of consensual (sometimes called ethical) non-monogamies: 

• Open relationship: a relationship that typically involves two people who can have sexual relationships with other people. 
• Polyamorous relationships: a relationship that involves one or more people that share romantic or sexual intimacy. People of any gender or sexual identity can be in a polyamorous relationship. Polyamorous relationships can be exclusive or not and may build different hierarchies. For example: in Hierarchical Polyamory there are primary partners who share a prioritarian emotional commitment and secondary partners; in Closed V relationships there is one person that is involved with two other people, who are not involve with each other. In throuples/quads all people are involved with each other. Polycule is an umbrella term that describes a network of people who are involved with each other (each person at least with one other person) and can have their own structures and boundaries. 
• Relationship Anarchy: the belief that relationships should not have standard definitions, expectations or rules.   

Queerplatonic relationships are also another kind of connection that goes beyond a friendship, with a greater commitment or intimacy, but does not involve romantic or sexual intimacy. People of any gender or sexual identity may be involved in queerplatonic relationship, which are not limited to people in the aromantic or asexual spectrum (See Module 2 – Gender) 

There’s a huge amount of myths and concepts that forcely centre romantic relationships as the ones to aspire to and the only considered as valid. But this is not the only possibility. Let’s check and dismantle some of those myths together:

• Monogamous idealisation:
  Romance-centric myths often emphasise monogamous relationships as the only valid and fulfilling form. However, diverse relationship structures exist and can provide deep connections and satisfaction (we’re going to deepen that soon).
• Sole source of happiness:
  The myth implies that romantic relationships are the primary source of happiness. In reality, individuals find fulfilment through various connections, including friendships, family bonds, and personal achievements.
• Life completion:
  The idea that a romantic partner completes an individual’s life neglects the importance of self-fulfilment, personal growth, and independence.
• Exclusivity of intimacy:
  Romantic relationships are often portrayed as the exclusive source of emotional intimacy. Meaningful connections can be forged in various relationships, not limited to romantic ones.
• Heteronormative focus:
  Romance-centric myths often reinforce heteronormativity, overlooking LGBTQIA+ relationships and non-binary expressions of love and connection (see module 2).
• Dependency on a partner:
  Relying solely on a romantic partner for emotional support and validation can be unhealthy. Building a support network with friends and family contributes to a more balanced and resilient individual.
• Love as the ultimate goal:
  Romantic-centric myths often frame finding a partner as life’s ultimate goal. Pursuits like personal growth, career success, and community involvement are equally valuable sources of fulfilment.
• Presumption of permanence:
  These myths may convey that romantic relationships must be permanent to be meaningful. However, relationships evolve, and the significance of connections can endure, even if the form changes over time.
• Communication deficiency:
  It suggests that romantic partners should intuitively understand each other completely. In reality, effective communication skills are essential in all relationships.
• Societal validation:
  This may contribute to the societal pressure to be in a romantic relationship to be seen as successful or complete. Individual worth is not solely determined by relationship status.

We grew up with narratives such as “love at first sight”, the idea that instant romantic attraction is a reliable indicator of long-term compatibility, or that of the “soulmate”, the belief that there is only one perfect match for each person, or again: “jealousy as proof of love”, which could turn out to be one of the roots to gender-based violence (see module 3).
And, except for the last example, it’s perfectly ok if you choose and wish to build your relationships in these perspectives. What’s important to keep in mind is that romantic relationships are just one of the possibilities to have deep and connected relationships among people you feel safe around and comfortable to be. 

Whatever kinds of relationships you build, communication and mutual respect are key! Let’s see what healthy relationships look like.

Building safe and healthy relationships

Each of us deserves to establish safe, healthy and respectful relationships. 

Before we delve into what we mean, it’s important to remember that relationships exist on a spectrum: not all relationships look the same and there are no clear and strict boundaries. But there are some core behaviors that all healthy relationships are based on. 

Tips to navigate sexual and romantic relationships: first times, communication and break-ups

Sexual and romantic relationships can take many forms, from lust (physical attraction), to a crush (an infatuation), to love (a deeper emotional connection). Sometimes the boundaries between these types are blurry and, again, each relationship is different. Whether they are more casual or more committed, exclusive or not, in this section we’ll focus on some concrete general advice to navigate any kind of sexual and romantic relationships, from beginning to end. 

Starting a relationship and navigating first times 

How do relationships start? There is no golden rule and all relationships are different. For many people starting a new relationship is hard and scary. Usually people find someone that they share interests with: it can be at school, through sports, work, through a friend or online (for more information on how to safely navigate online dating look at Module 3). Then they show each other that mutual interest by saying it openly or showing it through non-verbal signs. The way a relationship really starts and develops is different for everyone. In any case:

• you should ask yourself why you want to be with that person and what expectations you have from that relationship: stable or more casual, exclusive or not. 
• you shouldn’t feel pressured. Even if you are feeling many emotions you should feel that you can be yourself around that person. 
• you should be ok with also giving time to other people and pieces of your life in a balanced way

Something that many young people struggle with in new relationships are the so-called “first times”. When we talk about first times we usually refer to the first physical, intimate or sexual encounters, like the first kiss or the first sexual experience, and they often come with nervousness and concern, mixed with excitement and curiosity.

If you have doubts about some of these questions or other issues, try to have conversations about them with people you trust: friends, adults or professionals. You can also try getting your body and sexual pleasure through masturbation before you get into a sexual relationship with another person. And finally, remember that people have different drives towards sex at different times of their lives, some people are asexual or aromantic and may not want to have sex or relationships at all  (see Module 2 for more information), and this can also change throughout a person’s life. So there is no race towards anything, and the only person who can tell you when you’re ready is you!

Staying in relationship: navigating emotions

When you are in a relationship you may feel many positive and negative emotions. This is normal and we can’t really choose how we feel, but we can choose how we act and behave. 

As children during our socialization, we learn how we are allowed or not to express our emotions. ‘Boys don’t cry’, ‘Good girls don’t scream’, just to name a few stereotypes. We learn to organise and discipline our emotions from an early age even without knowing that we do it. But this also means that we simply forget to express some feelings; we no longer have adequate ways to express certain emotions and feelings. Because of our environment, we may think: it is not correct, not polite, irritating, scandalous or rather dangerous. But we have feelings, and we can practise learning new or old ways to express them safely and effectively. This can lead us closer to ourselves and healthy relationships, preventing us from unnecessary frustration and self-hatred.

There are some emotions that are particularly common in sexual and romantic relationships and that can be confusing. These are: 

The inability to manage these emotions can lead to unhealthy or even abusive behaviours. Each of us is responsible for their behaviour towards other people and for managing their emotions in a healthy way. 

If you want to go deepe into the topic of emotions and how to manage them, we advise you to take a look at the WorkBook “No one is you!”.

Staying in relationship: communication tips

We said it several times already: the key to any healthy relationship is communication! There are some conversations that are important to have in all sexual and romantic relationships. Expressing needs and boundaries is crucial in all relationships regardless of how committed a relationship is. It applies to casual relationships, to open relationships, to polygamous relationships, to long term relationships, long distance relationships and so on.

As we can see from this graph, the most important elements of communication are:

Source: Let’s Talk Workbook for Young People (2023)

Regarding questions, as the infographics show there are some important ones that you should ask each other in a relationship:

• Your boundaries and expectations: 
  • What are your expectations?
  • What makes you feel comfortable and safe? 
  • Do you want to have sex or not? If yes, what do you like and dislike in sex? 
  • Do you want to be in an exclusive relationship or not? If not, what are for you the boundaries and agreements of a non-exclusive relationship?
• Your sexual behaviour: 
  • Have you been tested recently for STIs?
  • Have you had unprotected sex since? 
  • What kind of prevention and protection measures do you use? 
• Your feelings and concerns: 
  • Are you upset about something? Does it involve the relationship?
  • Do you feel concerned about the relationship and you need the other person to clarify or explain something?

Another key element in communication and “good relationships” is assertiveness, being the act of being aware of our wishes, desires, rights, and openly and honestly standing up for them through a clear, positive communication (by behaviour, attitude, in speaking or in writing). Being assertive means approaching others and engaging with them without fear, and also influencing others to act in the same way, respecting other people. It is the contrary strategy of a passive or aggressive approach: while passive people have weaker boundaries, easily oversteppable by others who can take advantage from them; aggressive people act with a low respect of others’ boundaries, often hurting them in the attempt to influence their behaviours.  

Ending a relationship: handling breakups

People end relationships for many reasons. Feelings, priorities, individual goals, needs can change overtime and that isn’t anyones’ fault. But relationships can also become unhealthy or even abusive (Look at module 3 to learn more about unhealthy and abusive relationships) . When a relationship doesn’t feel right anymore, it’s important that you find a way to move on and make that change.

In any case break-ups create grief in the people involved. You may feel angry, sad, anxious or lost but these feelings will eventually go away and you will be able to move one. Trust this! If you are the person that someone else is breaking up with, remember that it’s their right to choose and you have to accept their decision! While you are grieving though, try to validate and embrace your feelings, but also take care of your-self, of your physical and mental health, by doing things you like and surrounding yourself with people you trust and you can be yourself around. 

Demystifying Family Diversity

If nobody wants to talk about it, where do we take information?

To many people, the word “family” brings to mind a very specific image of a mother, a father, and their children living in the same house – the so-called “nuclear family”. This term comes from the Latin nux, which means “nut” and therefore refers to the core of something. Many people in our society are raised in nuclear families and establish nuclear families when they become adults. But this is only one of the many options. The reality of families is much more varied and diverse.

We tend to associate the concept of family with blood relationships, marriage or sexual/romantic bonds and fixed roles (mother, father, child, etc). But if we look at the reality around us we can see that many families overcome these boundaries. Family roles indeed often encapsulate people’s feelings towards each other and looking beyond them can maybe uncover a multiplicity of emotional bonds and let them flow. Families that diverge from the nuclear families are sometimes called Queer Families.

So what makes a queer family? 

• Affective election – in a queer family not all (or any) of the members share biological and blood ties. They are connected in first instance by the choice to care for each other. Therefore, each persons’ role in the family can overlap with traditional/nuclear family roles, but they can also be more fluid. This doesn’t mean that biological ties and traditional roles are always absent – they are just not taken for granted.  
• Mutual responsibility – the members of a queer family hold responsibilities towards each other. Just like in nuclear families they support each other on issues that include managing economies, caring for each others’ health, sharing domestic management, making decisions over the education of children or younger members of the family (if present), and much more. 

For a family to be valued as such, there are certain things that are not a must:

• Sexual and/or romantic relationships
• Blood and biological ties
• Fixed roles and absence of change
• Exclusive bonds

For example: a parenting role can be taken by someone who has no blood relationship with the child (like in same sex couples or when there is a guardian instead of a parent);  or by a grandparent; three people who do not have a sexual or romantic relationship can share a house and the management of the domestic environment; two parents may not share a house unit; a child can make most of the decisions in the family; three people who have a sexual or romantic relationship can share the parenting of children; and many many more. 

Look at the infographic to learn about some possible family configurations (of course the possibilities are endless!):  

Family conflicts

Everything that is needed in a family is a loving, respectful and caring relationship between the family members, but all families are made of diverse individuals with specific needs, their own personal histories, expectations, strengths and weaknesses. Conflicts and disagreements are an inevitable part of any intimate relationship including family relationships, and that’s completely okay – as long as everyone involved is attentive and respectful. For instance: a conflict can arise if one of the members is not being heard, their needs are not being met, or their boundaries are being constantly crossed. This also often happens because gender roles and stereotypes are not problematized (we’ll see this in detail in Module 2 – Gender). That person may feel angry and not important, but such feelings can act as an indicator that something can be changed or improved, or that something is not working or acting the way that it’s supposed to. Clearly communicating and accepting these feelings can help the family become more close. Look at the section on healthy and unhealthy relationships to find some tips and insights. 

One of the more common conflict areas is between the parents attempting to protect the children and the children trying to explore and see what the outside world is all about. A common example is sexual or romantic relationships – young people want to explore and feel for themselves what these experiences can be like, while parents often want to do everything they can to protect them from harm. These two forces can sometimes clash with one another, sparking a conflict. In situations like these it’s always a good idea to get back to the basics and employ your communication skills, try to cooperate and look for solutions together.